I know I do not want to feel this way anymore.
But I do not know how to stop feeling this way.
I have reached a standstill.
In my thoughts, my words.
And I feel like a failure constantly due to this.

I spent the whole day in bed.
Not for a cold.
‘Twas for my head.
Sometimes my head feels dead
And I spend the whole day in bed.

The boat:

The best way
to describe this feeling
is that I am on a rocky boat
far out at sea
watching everyone I know and love
safely on the shore
dancing, laughing and achieving great things.
Whilst I,
on my boat,
can hear only white noise.
And I scream to the people on shore
but not a soul can hear me.

Sometimes,
I’m so very miserable,
I cannot move from bed.
An hour passes
and I’m still there,
the same position,
as the hour before.
At least the sheets
do not judge me.

You should be able to say these things.
You should be able to stop laughing,
and say:
today I spent the whole day in bed
because I’m depressed.
But you cannot,
because people will respond with:
everyone has bad days!
get over it!
No, no
I have had one hundred
bad days
in a row.
But you cannot say that,
so you just continue laughing.

I wonder how you spend your days.
And if
you are still as sad as always.
I suspect you are,
if you were not,
you would brag about it.
You would let everyone know
that you beat it.
But you have not yet.
I hope you do some day.

It is cold outside
My thoughts and eyelids are heavy
Heavy, heavy
They weigh me down
And nobody even attempts to understand

It has taken me a very long time to realise that healing takes a very long time. It has taken me a very long time to realise that I won’t always be okay. The hardest part is not being able to explain it to you. You can’t just mention it over breakfast or in bed or on a walk. You can’t burden somebody you love with all of that. It is unfair. And my biggest fear is that it will frighten you. Because some of the things I think frighten me. And that’s why, sometimes, I’m quiet.

Daily:

It would have been ideal timing. How have you been? – Could have been asked of me. Not a word. Why am I expected to mention what I barely understand myself?